if i had lived through war i would probably appreciate everything i have now, everything in front of me. life, seeing life, enjoying life.

i would love my friends to death and appreciate seeing them every day, and come through what i would understand the test of friendship better for then i would appreciate not seeing thier heads being blown up and see them suffer as casualties are constantly happening yet we don't know when.

but then when i reflect back, it's true, even now we don't know what's going to happen next in our daily life. some of us have routines that we follow but yet cause we're not stuck by constant horrors do we not realize the unexpected that may happen anytime, through the night, through the day.

the falter and setbacks which we face each day are such examples but we do not gamble on life. it's like a game where we may lose anytime, but even though we can't hit the restart button in our life, i guess when we fall back we can always pick ourselves up again and strive to continue for our best. sure, we won't know what happen next, but until then what is stopping from moving?

i would answer: nobody but ourselves.

so carry on, move on from the past. true we may see darkness instead of light, but until then, we don't know don't we? we're not some psychics which can predict the future.

a step is a way to sucess for then we don't know how.

do we bond with our friends and family only when realize the horrible truth of life, and we do shall we continue on this endless journey where we don't know when it would end for constantly everything is still moving. thus far, what have we learnt that bring us a better future. learning from the past do we then know how it lies and how things can be straighten then.

remember, you may see something before in the past which you thought may not happen ever again to you, but there will always be something related to that which we can apply to similar things in life now.

for then, we learn.

i'm glad occasionally i realize how i feel and that i can constantly admit it although there is still a slight denial in between. i guess in a way i know and i don't know and here it goes all over again.

period i have nothing to say today.

except for you all to remember that life is still constantly on the move so even when it seems to stop for you, just move on cause that's when you understand things better and perhaps then it'll help you solve your past.

sometimes i just wish that i can burn into the flames and just dissapear and fade away from the whole world. i know this is rather cowardly of me, running away from problems and yet finding the sudden emptiness within me.

sometimes i have this occasional feeling where i don't feel anything and yet my mind is thinking and wondering but yet not a feeling sensation wondering through my body. no bitter nor sweet, nor happy nor sad. yet my heart thunders a little louder than it should be and i get slightly worried, for no reason or what so particular.

i guess it's my human nature that sometimes we just want to feel something in life that can be slightly plain or dry, but wanting it to fade away quickly so that we can enjoy something else.

i hate this feeling.

it's hard to describe,

but i hate it anyway.

-i'm still trying to achieve it.

i realized that the occasional pride in my mind can be my downfall. pretending and trying to know everything in life where i don't. i have to a come conclusion that asking and questioning about things in life is when we learn the most and even though we don't know the simplest things, is better to ask then to ignore and remain oblivious in the rest of our life in this matter as we fail to admit we just don't know, and insist that we know it.

granted, we will have friends and people around us who will mock us at being stupid and probably perhaps being oblivious to life which i guess in a way, if i wish to blame, on the society which i'm brought up with. but truth is, if i were to admit i don't know there was such a thing and just swollow my pride and just admit, i feel that perhaps then i would learn more than most people in life and this will help many others.

gaining knowledge is a constant thing. i must remember that.

i realized that somtimes it's the truth that hurts, but even so i must insist sometimes i must pen down my feelings. from now on you may not find things that would please you, but i'm trying to find the root of my life, so hopefully by writing and describing these thoughts, i'm able to.

i'm occasionally weak and pathetic, for sometimes a falter can just drive me crazy. and i believe that the people who act the strongest are often people the weakest of mankind. it's a facade that hides literally deceiving people for i believe the people who are the strongest, truly understands himself/herself. i'll be deceiving others and myself if i were to act strong, for then i will not be able to cope and help and instead cause more troubles then what the person already have. i'll be there to listen and perhaps just that, for sometimes i can't do anymore as i must admit. it's the truth that hurts, i know, but it's the truth that i should and must reveal about myself.

i guess i'm coming to a conclusion that occasionally praises aren't everything. despite how much we wish for them, it's sometimes knowing about youself is the best. praises come along then, from there work your head up and don't be big-headed as then i realized i was once in awhile, which annoys me to no end for then i realized that none of my works are true and are only meant to please people and they are not real to me and do not describe the hidden feelings from there. it was once for me to please, although then i hated my work to no end, and only when i did it from the bottom of my heart, truly then i really enjoyed all the work i had done, for then i'm proud of it for it is real. despite being occasionally disliked, i have come to realize the best works are from your feelings alone. and that i appreciate it if it does.

this is the truth for i will not falter and hide anymore. i gurantee that once in awhile when anyone comes with me thier problems, i have no where to hide for i am speechless for what to say and only then do i cower beneath a shell. i'll try to help in anyone way, but it has to come from my heart for then i'm truly able to help.

this is why i detest talking online, cause it is not genuine and at any one time i can lie to you, which i hate, cause then i'll despise myself for lying to someone close. upfront confrontations are much better i should dearly believe. i know some of us use the 'spirit' of online to escape facial expressions, but i hate it, cause for me, i find it unreal, and thus if friendship is only being pass through computers, i must ask then, what is friendship?

this post is not meant to be confusing, but rather to sort my confusion out. if it does confused you i believe then, we should start by answering questions from our hearts.

i detest it

the feeling of untruth

the works and pieces

that are not bottom from our hearts

give me a clue

what should i do

only then do i understand

the strength that come from us

the feeling of expressions

are being compressions

for we wish to hide

in the shell

for no one to see

the tiny bell

that lies in our hearts

alright i admit it. sometimes i just cry for no apparent reason. perhaps at that moment i felt as though the whole world came crashing in onto my feet and felt as though there was this emotional burden that made me have a breakdown and well make me just, cry.

the night when you feel as though you can't relate to anybody at all or perhaps you're just in bed with no clue whatsoever on what to do. what's the next step to take in your life? what in the world am i here for? why is this constant burden around my shoulders?

or perhaps more concrete questions and emotional burden that just keeps on coming that never seems to stop. perhaps the feel to please everybody at your doorstep, to be sensitive to everyone around you so you won't be hated.
questions to ponder and yet into this questioning air when no one can answer.

it sucks doesn't it, the feeling of no progress.

and it usually happens during the night, when we reflect on who we are, what we have done and sometimes for me, have i been too much?

but when i just can't take it anymore and just cry, i feel as though something had changed. probably for the better thinking that hey, even though my heart constantly freaks out and thunders everyday, i still have to continue living cause there's still something out there i haven't fufill and even though i'm afraid, i have to cover my quivering fear and step out into the light.

cause that's just everybody.

people living for everybody, sure some of us may be self-centered selfish freaks at times, but sometimes we just have to be to keep on living as we are and not to live for somebody else cause then we won't be living for people but just ourselves cause we're just wanting to please and nothing else.

it takes me sometimes to understand my brain that makes me miss a bus stop at times. (don't ask, it actually happens.) but when i do, i'm glad(as in understanding my brain, not missing a bus stop), cause then i understand myself and others better and that way from there, i can help them in anyway i can or i possibly could.

love and affections is great for everyone.

i know my hand can only reach out to a certain length,
but only that much i can do,
for then i'll do my best.

-drazuki, fictionpress.com

imagine this: every single non living thing talks to you. your phone, your meal, your books, your pens, your shirts, your shoes, the walls, the tables, the chairs, everything.

'don't eat me please,' -your spaghetti.

'stop drooling on me!'-your table

'you needn't throw me on the floor,' -your books

'deck the seasons to be jolly,' -your pen singing constantly as you're writing your essay which is due tomorrow.

would you go mad?

i swear, by then i would really shut the whole world out and wish that i'm permanently deaf. makes me kind of appreciate on what i have now. but i guess if i was really deaf, i would really wish to listen to a voice, a music or a tone or two.

how come we're never satisfied on what we have?

a hope is constantly there

admit it, fair and sqaure

even though it's rare

to find something

that is fair

it rushes through and out

constantly flowing about

knowing that without

hope is gone

oh no

where's the world's bone

living in a world

that seems like i'm alone

pretty faces passing

everybody's cursing

life isn't fair

who's the heir

waving the flag defeating

giving up for the world's inflating

show everybody you care

hope is there

oh yeah

i think this is more of a rap then a poem.

and i'm having fun in doing this. :)

tagged replies:

Hazel: anytime man. :)

Gerri: squeeze out your brain juice? =x

i'm in denial. cause the answers were splashed across my screen and i totally disblieve and did not absorb nor remember it cause i thought it was fucking insignificant and it was unreal.

it's amazing that sometimes you have the answers in your hand and yet we don't even notice it, or rather sould i say we won't believe it until something similar appears out again which is somehow connected to those answers.

and when everything does appear out again, i deny myself thinking i'm stupid for i didn't see the link. sometimes it just drives me nuts. annoying!

tagged reply:
E.T.: strive on for your dreams! :)

i have finally something to wake me up. the sudden realization of things makes me shiver, but i am definetly going to work my way up.
i'll do my very best at least and build the confidence i had.

today i realized that sometimes even though a person who is very good at what he/she does has really bad personality and tend to look down on people. i guess it's arrogance, but that's what makes them what they are good at. i have to learn to accept it, but somehow i can't. cause i know they have the talent but really, we all do have talent, it's just whether you notice it or not but it's this sort of people that discriminate others and makes other feel small where they won't be able to have the opptunity to shine.

personally i think it's selfish in a rather self-centered way. i mean we are all special after all, each individual has one gift that everyone is still trying to find but only do we occasionally do. i guess the problem with us is that we are always constantly in denial and i should think that this people who have found thier talent should be glad that they found thier talent and nothing else more than that.

this is my self-thought of course, as an individual and as a person. i personally feel that there will be others out there who would feel the same.

for me, it's not arrogance but pride.
pride in our work
pride in what we do
pride in our effort
for this is what makes our work special

why are some of us so freakining greedy that we constantly want more?
well i guess cause there's too much to conquer.

tagged replies:
DarkSR: 0___0
E.T.: thanks, you too. :)

sometimes it's good to sit down and think and reflect on our past to think why are we now like this in this state at the present future. i feel that when i do this, sometimes, things becomes clearer, and from there i understand better, and it helps me learn more about myself.

i wish sometimes people won't test my limit, cause it can be incredibly short. some want to test on how i treat them, some want to to test how strong i am. it get's rather irritating, cause despite how i wish to be stronger, i can be occasionally very weak, for this is how i'm made and i'm proud of who i am. and we all should be, in various ways each individual is strong in what they are. how you wish deny, you are.

if you find you lack in something, you will find that others would think that you are strong in many others. and as for the things you lack? work on them, cause there's always new things in the end for 'life's like a marathon.'

constantly moving, with a finishing line at the end.

tagged reply:

Jin: yes poofy hair :)

where is the light? i'm blinded by darkness that is mixed with confusion and happiness. i'm grateful that it has been revealed, i'm greatful for what i have and i thank everyone of you for your kindness.

so it is my problem. a reaching hand is there, and i'll snatch it with a greatful heart.

but why can't i see it sometimes? is my usual stubborness that is bothering me? or was i being too inhuman by bothering too much. perhaps i should just reject everything that comes into my way now and just clear everything.

but isolation is a bad thing. i'm a person who needs human hearts next to me, thus far i'll admit. i'll envy those who speak thier mind half of thier time, but when i do, hurts of regrets rushes through my blood.

perhaps i'm overly sensitive. but thank you to everyone who has been there for me. family and friends.

speak my mind

i'm so fine

its the wake up call

that's down the hall

i'm not making sense

none at all

the love i have

freedom to give

we will make it through

each everyone one of you

the hope i find

in everyday live

the heart's that diminished

it will not be finished

until you give up hope

then it will be dope

that you think will be the cure

for living pure

but its not

cause it's still hot

the early rain

we will gain

i'll acomplished

even when my heart

is receeding, pouring

it will still be caring

tagged reply:

Clare: hey. :)

death.this is the truth of life which i'm gladly reminded every day of my single life, by various people, by various reasons. but this helps me through life as well.

i feel that our lives are like a book. different chapters at different high and lows of our lives. it gets very exciting occasionally, and yet, it is sometimes a tragedy.

sometimes the book can be incredibly short, and without much content at all, wheras the book can be incredibly long with the most exciting adventures ever. just like our lives. where we see each day, how a sudden new-born can suddenly end and the older generation can live what seem to be eternity until the last moment.

but in the end, what really is the most important is when we close our books and think back on what we learnt through it. just like a sudden end of life, what have we learn from it. everything has its purpose, and even at the last moment of one's life, sometimes they give an important advice where those we will never forget.

sometimes i wonder what if actually we're here as dead, and not really alive. and this is planet for the dead but when we actually die, we become alive again. where man goes to mars, and woman goes to venus. (adapted from the qoute/book 'man are from mars and woman are from venus'.)

i shudder to think what will happen to me then. i mean with cold venus? i don't think i'm able to live even a decade. perhaps then i wished my book is rather short.

a life is like a book

a constant look

tears shed down and cry

questions asked oh why

when we look far away

into the deeper heart

what do we see

do we play a part?

concerning life and death

no life's a theft

sturggling for words

to describe these curbs

happiness a lie

if so, how can we die?

cause only then

do we see

the future that lies within me

tagged reply:

Cel: haha. yeah you're not. (amazingly =x)

its amazing how sometimes we are all caught up in our own world that when we actually sit back and look around, we realize few of us have grown, including our closest friends.

i guess ocassionally it's during this period of time when you realized that the best way to help your friends is always helping them and supporting them in whatever they care for. thier dreams, thier hopes, thier ambitions.

it is your encouraging ways that supports them in life. i won't claim that i know everything about friendship, but this is what seems most important me right now at this stage of life of the treasures of friendship that i learnt over the years.

and this is what i treasure most.

helping a friend in need

is it causing one to bleed?

stay precaution

needing a vacation

wallowing in self-pity

can't be anymore witty

encouraging each other

help one another

living a life

a face that doesn't lie

a support

a shileld

a mother field

one crying arms

a shoulder to land on

they can't be gone

as they were always fond

tagged reply:

DarkSR: hahaha.

i have no idea why, but one of my entries got deleted therefore, i decided to re-post but not on that topic for i felt it was unconventional.

Okay, this is my final conclusion about OCD before i move on with my next general topic of life: (this is after much discussion of course)

yes it can be controlled. about the washing hands? well, sometimes i get really angry about it and i still wash my hands. but i supposed that's the beneficial side of clean hygiene.

i think the worst obsessive compulsive disorder is when you have to do routines again and again many times of the day and when you forget a routine, you have to keep on doing it until you remember.

tagged replies:

DarkSR: no comments. i'm jealous of your new computer by the way.

Jin: haha.

Cel: :)

Su: i think it happens a lot.

Gerri: I hope you don't repeat your routines.

Elizabeth: what is that suppose to mean?